No Going Back
by sunburntdaisy
Summary: What if Mark's tumour never returned? Elizabeth would never have gone home. Mark wouldn't have died. And he might have finally realised that Susan came back for him. Warning: Marsan
1. Of regret

What if Mark's tumor never returned??? Elizabeth never would have asked, "Am I just supposed to go home and watch him die?" so I'm assuming she would never have gone home and Mark would never have died. But I'm going to start this alternative universe when Ella is hospitalized, overdosing on Rachel's pills.  
  
"You look tired," Susan opened her locker getting ready to leave. Mark sat in a chair a couple of meters away.  
  
"You're very observant." He replied bitterly.  
  
"Sorry." She shut her locker.  
  
"No." he sighed, "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."  
  
"It's okay." She sat beside him, "I've known you long enough to know when you're angry from when you're angry at me."  
  
He smiled at her – he actually smiled.  
  
"You okay?" she ventured redundantly.  
  
"What version do you want?"  
  
"The truth."  
  
"Oh, that. Good question. Philosophical debate in fact…"  
  
"Mark…"  
  
He shook his head and sighed.  
  
She wanted to reach out and touch him – she just wanted to comfort him. But she couldn't. Not now. She could hardly trust herself. It wasn't her actions she doubted, she would never do anything to threaten what remained of their friendship. But she knew where her heart lay on the matter and her eyes might give her away.  
  
"So, you finished?" he tried to change the subject.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I dunno what they do in Arizona but in Chicago we've been known to escape this place as soon as we can."  
  
"I'm just waiting for you to answer my question." She smiled. "Are you going to be okay?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Sure." He met her eyes confidently but the clear disbelief he found there threw him off. "How's that saying go? Oh, yeah, I made my bed now I've got to lie in it."  
  
"Mark…" she almost reached out to take her hand.  
  
He knew it. "You should go." Elizabeth didn't trust him as it was. He knew Susan would never jeopardize anything on purpose but he couldn't trust himself right now. Too little sleep, too much coffee, fear, miscommunication, disagreement, heartbreak…  
  
"Yeah." She got up and got to the door before she turned around. "It's not your fault."  
  
"Yeah." He offered no agreement.  
  
She couldn't reach him and maybe it was for the best. But maybe she could help. Another way. Without allowing herself the luxury of consideration she made her way up to NICU.  
  
When she knocked softly on the door Elizabeth looked up and emotionlessly waved her in.  
  
"Hi," Susan whispered.  
  
Elizabeth didn't speak.  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"Bout the same."  
  
Susan took a breath, "I don't mean to interfere…"  
  
"Then don't."  
  
Susan took another deliberate breath, "Please – just let me say it, then I'll leave and you can take what you like."  
  
Elizabeth was too exhausted to argue.  
  
"I thought you should know that Mark's downstairs in the lounge."  
  
"He should be here."  
  
"Maybe." She looked over at Ella sleeping. She looked peaceful. "There's no answers y'know? No matter what he does he's doing wrong by someone… he's so broken – I've never seen him like that," she breathed trying to stay objective, "the thing is," she tried to pull herself together, "the thing is, if you walk away from him you'll regret it."  
  
"He's the one walking away… to you, I might add."  
  
"No." Susan shook her head, "We never… it's all talk. We were only EVER friends. And then I went away for five years and a lot changed. I never stopped loving him but nothing ever happened. The point is, if you let him go, you're a fool." She looked at Elizabeth pleading her to listen, "Trust me."  
  
Elizabeth showed no sign of hearing her so Susan left. 


	2. Endings

"She's asleep." Mark told Elizabeth, entering their kitchen, feeling as though he were intruding into HER kitchen.  
  
"Good." Elizabeth nodded and handed him a mug of tea. Their hostility was gone but it left a cavity that quickly filled with something worse – apathy.  
  
Mark sat at the table and focused all his attention, at least visibly, on his tea. He knew it was coming but the waiting for it didn't deplete his surprise.  
  
"We need to talk." Elizabeth sat opposite him. "Look, the thing is…" she was stalling.  
  
Mark wasn't used to seeing her stuck for words, unless in the presence of Romano. "It's okay. I know." He helped her out, "this isn't working is it?"  
  
She looked at him for a moment before she replied, "No." she shooke her ehad. "But the thing is, I still love you and I don't want to… oh, I don't know."  
  
"I love you too, but not like I should." Mark was surprised by his own clarity. "We made it work because I was sick. Then Ella. But we shouldn't…"  
  
"No. We shouldn't. But what about Ella?"  
  
"We'll work it out – you know I'd love to take her, if you want me to…"  
  
"We don't need to arrange that now." Elizabeth hushed him. He nodded in silent agreement.  
  
You know the story (though my timeline might be slightly off, but you can handle it). If you don't, watch ER. If you can't, read the episode guide at alt.tv.er – my favourite but there are others if you prefer. Oh, and while you're at it you might want to read up on what happened in the episode Union Station in series 3 – this will make more sense if you do.  
  
Mark was surprised at the lack of rumours. He hadn't figured out how to tell anyone and apparently neither had Elizabeth. However, they hadn't worked together since that night and no one had seen them together to notice the difference. Plus, only Susan would have picked up the subtleties and she'd been away, saving her sister and niece. Again.   
  
Mark escaped to the lounge on his break – not for coffee but for silence. He sunk into the almost-comfortable chair, letting his body relax and his eyes fall shut. Then the door opened. He ignored it until he heard her voice…  
  
"Hey." Susan said shyly, not wanting to disturb him.  
  
"Hi." He smiled at his old friend. He missed that friendship. It hadn't recovered from years apart and he knew it would never be the same but his missed it regardless.  
  
Susan was just starting her shift – she rifled though her locker then sat beside him, knowing she was supposed to start in just a few minutes. "Are you finished for the day?"  
  
"No. I was just escaping." He smiled.  
  
"Okay. I'll leave you to it." She stood but turned back before she left, "hey, how's Ella?"  
  
"She's good. Back to normal apparently."  
  
"Miracles happen."  
  
"Yeah." He agreed, kind of liking the idea.  
  
"Well, I'll see you out there." Susan left. 


	3. Things Change

The board was cleared. It had been a long shift and it wasn't over yet but the board was cleared. Remarkable.  
  
Mark sat down in admin, relieved to get the weight off his feet.  
  
Susan was leaning on the counter filling in the blanks on a couple of forms. When she finished she sighed and filed them, giving Mark a tired smile.  
  
"Feels like we're waiting for something to go wrong." He looked at the closed sliding doors. It was dark and still outside.  
  
"Yeah." She agreed sitting down.   
  
"You okay?" he leant back on his chair.  
  
She nodded emotionless, "Just tired."  
  
He looked at her like she hadn't answered him, "You seem sad."  
  
She half-laughed, almost scoffing, before she realized he was serious. "Really, I'm fine." She looked him in the eye and lied to him.  
  
He knew. And before she looked away she saw it in his eyes. She hated lying to him but the truth was worse. And if she tried to share even a part of her pain with him she knew she'd be setting herself up to be hurt. And maybe she'd hurt him too. It wasn't worth the risk. She loved him and that was that. But it was her burden, her battle. Mark had enough on his plate.  
  
"Want some coffee?" he stood.  
  
"Yeah." She followed him to the lounge before realizing privacy would only encourage his questions and his terrifying honesty.  
  
Inside the lounge he didn't even touch the coffee pot. "What's wrong?" the heart felt concern almost broke her.  
  
"I'm fine." She tried.  
  
He let out a gutless breath, shocked. "Can you really do that? Can you just lie to me like a polite stranger? After everything… can't you trust me to care?"  
  
"Mark, I know you care." She tried to appease him. "But I'll be fine."  
  
Mark sat down heavily, a frustrated sigh escaping his lips.  
  
'Leave,' Susan told herself. 'Escape. Right now. What are you waiting for? You want to tell him but you CAN'T. You need to leave.'  
  
"I miss you." Mark admitted  
  
"I'm right here." She wasn't even trying to understand  
  
"No you're not. I miss my best friend."  
  
"I'm trying. I'm here for you if you need me – I'd do anything for you." It escaped her lips before she heard it.  
  
"I know. And you have no idea what that means to me. But it works both ways. You have to let me be there for you too."  
  
He had a point. Damn it. 'How are you going to get out of this one?" she sighed  
  
"Is it a guy? Back in Phoenix or something?"  
  
She laughed, "No."  
  
"Well, you were there for five years…" he tried to defend his assumption.  
  
"Almost, but no…" she shook her head, "that's not it."  
  
Mark realized he wasn't getting anywhere. "I just want to be there for you like you've always been for me. Like we used to be."  
  
"A lot has changed." He looked at her as if to say, 'do you really believe that?'  
  
She looked away.   
  
"Well, if you change your mind you know where to find me." He got up and left.  
  
Susan sighed. The last thing she wanted was to push him away. But maybe that was for the best. She might be able to save herself some pain. If only he wasn't so honest about his own pain and his need for her. There was no point denying it. She couldn't walk away from him – not forever. She'd tried for years. Why should anything be different now? 


	4. a picture says a thousand words

A few weeks later…  
  
Susan was reading up on a case, standing at admin, knowing she'd be called away any moment.  
  
"Mark." Came Elizabeth's recognizable accent.  
  
"Hey." He approached her, kissing her on the cheek familiarly.  
  
"Ella's upstairs and I'm off, you still okay to take her?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm off at six so she can stay over and…"  
  
"I'll give you a call tomorrow to sort it out."  
  
Susan wasn't watching but she knew Elizabeth had walked away.  
  
"That went well." Mark said knowing Susan was listening.  
  
She looked up and smiled at him, resolving to keep it light.  
  
He sat down near her. He was waiting for her and she knew it. But she kept reading. Only she had no idea what it said when she got to the end of the page cause Mark was still sitting there. Then he sighed, got up and walked away.  
  
All Susan could think of was how she'd said 'I'm here if you need me.' She hated that she'd lied to him about being 'fine' but if she couldn't keep her word she was no friend. And she couldn't do that to him. 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't.' she shook her head and rubbed her forehead before getting up and looking for him.  
  
"I'm sorry Mark."  
  
"Oh." He turned around guiltily  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, um, I just." He turned around and leaned against the counter, holding out a card for her to take.  
  
She took it silently and saw it was an old photo.  
  
It was her and Mark. From the photo booth. The edges were rough and the picture faded but she didn't notice. She turned it over nervously only to find his familiar scrawl across the back.  
  
'Please remember. Have we really changed that much?'  
  
She sighed and turned it over to look at the picture. They'd been laughing – so much it hurt, she remembered. It'd been a while since she'd laughed that much.  
  
"I'm sorry." She began again, "I told you I was there if you needed me. And just now I wasn't."  
  
"I'm fine. Me an Elizabeth will sort it out and honestly, the worst bit is I'm NOT heartbroken. We let it die. I still love her and I always will but it changed. I mean, of course love changes, but we let it change too much. I don't need your shoulder to cry on. I'm more concerned you might need mine and something's holding you back." He waited  
  
She sat down, still looking at the photo.  
  
He continued, "I had that picture in my locker and I realized it's been way too long since I've heard you laugh."  
  
She looked up at him. "And that'd make you, what? Chuckles the Clown?"  
  
"I'm trying." He pleaded.  
  
She knew she'd hurt him. Again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."  
  
"Try the truth."  
  
"Why? All I ever do is hurt you. I can see it in your eyes. Why do you bother with me?"  
  
"That's not true. You only ever really hurt me once." He swallowed.  
  
"Hey! Can I get some help?" an ambulance officer yelled down the hall. Another officer followed with a patient on a gurney. "There's two more coming."  
  
Mark and Susan sprung into action, working together with the same connection they'd always maintained professionally regardless of their personal relationship. Neither could deny how effective they were on opposite sides of a gurney.  
  
An hour later Susan was leaving.  
  
"Wait." Mark ran around chairs, catching her as the doors opened. She turned, patient sadness in her eyes.  
  
"I've never regretted what I said on the platform that day. But if you give up then I'll regret it. I just want to see you happy. If that means I have to leave you alone, then I don't understand it, but I'll do it."  
  
How was she supposed to walk away from that. "I miss your friendship. I do. But I've gotta do this one alone. You can't fix everything."  
  
"I can try." He challenged her, looking her in the eye.  
  
She smiled slightly at that – very Mark.  
  
"I saw a smile. There's hope. Give me a chance."  
  
She wanted to say 'this isn't about you' but she'd had enough of lying. It was the hiding she was wrestling with now.  
  
"I'm tired, I need to go home."  
  
"And I need to pick up my daughter from daycare, but please. Just think about it. I only want to be your friend. Did I really screw it up that badly?" he threw his pride on the altar and she knew what it took for him to say that.  
  
"Mark, you haven't done anything wrong. It's not you."  
  
"I don't get it."  
  
"Goodnight." She looked at him for a moment and backed out the doors. She turned around and walked away. Again. 


	5. i only ever kissed you goodbye

A week later…  
  
She was doing better now. They'd settled back into the professional relationship they'd perfected. She avoided his eyes though he sought hers. But it was exhausting pretending she didn't love him. Someone had given them identical shifts for a month and working in the ER was hardly a low-impact job. But this past month it had been like she'd been acting the whole time. Every time she looked up she had to think what she SHOULD feel, what she SHOULD say, what she SHOULD do. She pressed the answer phone play button as she dropped her keys on the bench in her apartment.  
  
"Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk to me. But I just wanted to apologize for pushing you away. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Just know I'm here for you. You don't have to tell me but you don't have to be alone either." She could hear his sigh down the line before it clicked off. The last thing she wanted to be was another complication in his life. Another worry. Another cause of pain. But somehow she'd become that and he deserved better. He deserved the truth and she couldn't give him all of it. But she could certainly give him some of it. It would be good to talk to him like old times. Maybe they could be friends again. Maybe she could just ignore loving him. Maybe…  
  
She knocked on his door, thinking her heartbeat must be about the same volume as her knuckles on the hollow wood.  
  
"Coming." He yelled from inside.  
  
She took a deep breath, straightened her shirt and waited for him.  
  
"Susan." He said, his shock evident.  
  
"Hi." She wasn't sure where to go from there. "Um, I got your message."  
  
"Oh. Right. Well, do you want to come in?"  
  
"No lets have this conversation in the hallway."  
  
For a moment he thought she was serious, "Oh, right." He stepped aside and she walked past him. There were cardboard boxes against one wall but they appeared empty. He'd finished unpacking but it didn't look like it. "Sorry about the mess. Do you want a drink?"  
  
"Tea would be great." She turned to him and followed him into the kitchen silently.  
  
Mark didn't know what to say. Every time he'd tried before she'd run away. He listened to the jug boil and poured their drinks.  
  
"Mark, I'm sorry." She sighed. "You were just trying to help, I know that. And I haven't been fair on you."  
  
"No. I shouldn't have pushed you. You're right, we have changed. I can't expect you to be the same as you were five years ago. I'm not. But you're still Susan." He shrugged, not sure what he was getting at.  
  
She smiled.  
  
"Do you want to sit down?" he pulled out a chair at the kitchen table.  
  
"Thanks." She put her drink on the table, playing with the teabag. "I went to New York a few weeks back. Joe left Chloe… no surprise. She never deserved him. Anyway, she lost Suzie… and she was too high to notice."  
  
"Oh my gosh. Is she okay?"  
  
"Yeah, we found her and she's alright now. Chloe's in rehab… again. And they're fine – as much as ever. But that's why I was so… past it, last week. Well, that's part of it anyway."  
  
"There's more?" he searched her eyes, desperately wanting to comfort her.  
  
"Not really." She sipped her tea but found it still too hot.  
  
"You don't have to tell me, but don't lie to me."  
  
She met his eyes. "I'm sorry… I seem to be saying that a lot lately. Why do you bother with me?"  
  
"Because we haven't changed THAT much." He smiled, taking her hand, trying to comfort her.  
  
"I don't deserve that." She tried to avoid his eyes but he touched her cheek, demanding her attention.  
  
"Yeah you do." He was looking her straight in the eyes with his trademark terrifying honesty. She couldn't pull away any more.  
  
It wasn't till his lips touched hers that she realized what was happening and pulled away.  
  
"I'm so sorry." She covered her mouth with a hand. "I… I, ah… I…"  
  
"No, it was me. That was terrible of me. I…" he took a deep breath.  
  
"I should go."  
  
"No. Don't do that." He was stuck to the spot as she pushed past him. "Please." He said breathlessly.  
  
She made the mistake of turning around. The look in his eyes was Union Station all over again. She'd kissed him and now she was walking away. But this time there was no train. She was glued to the spot, her body half-turned away. "Mark, I can't do this."  
  
"Please." He'd said that already, "I never intended…" that was clear enough. "Please don't less the one thing ruin our friendship."  
  
"I don't want it to. Really. I don't. but I'm so sick of pretending." Her eyes pleaded mercy, "I can't apologize for kissing you because I'd just be lying again and you deserve better." She let out a breath before she could say it. "I love you. It's why I came back. It's why I've been trying SO hard to be your friend and not hurt you or estrange you or mess it all up by doing something like this. I've been trying not to hurt myself but that was on the altar from the start. I just can't do it anymore." This felt like a eulogy, "Your friendship has meant more than anything. But I can't pretend I don't love you. I just don't have it in me anymore." She turned and walked slowly away.  
  
When the catch on the door clicked shut behind her Mark sank into his chair trying to absorb what she'd said. All of a sudden her behaviour made sense. It came into stark clarity. Like a bright white that kind of hurts to look at. He had to decide if he was repulsed or enamored by it. Not her, but the prospect of her love. This thing that he'd wanted and yearned for, for longer than he cared to remember. Suddenly it was his for the taking. But he'd convinced himself she'd never loved him. When she'd said it in farewell it had been erased by five years separation. And when she'd returned, finally, he'd been married. But now… it was too soon. The divorce wasn't even finalized. And it was more complicated now. He had two daughters. Two ex-wives. With a failure rate like that… Susan deserved better.  
  
But did he love her?   
  
Always.   
  
He couldn't ask for her friendship until he was ready for more. She shouldn't wait for him. He didn't have anything to offer her. But maybe one day… no he couldn't think about it. Timing was everything. And their timing was out. He was alone. So alone. He didn't want to be. But she deserved better than a lonely broken man with baggage and history like his. Something told him she knew all that and that hadn't changed anything. But he ignored it and finished his tea.  
  
Susan looked out for a cab but soon gave up and just walked. She felt relieved in some ways. No more pretending. But what had she done? Everything would be different now. It wouldn't interfere at work, but he was more than a colleague. She couldn't even worry about work – she didn't care. She cared about Mark. She cared about the sinking feeling in her chest. She walked past a café playing an unfortunate song,   
  
"I've looked at love from both sides now,  
  
From give and take, and still somehow  
  
It's love's illusions I recall.  
  
I really don't know love at all.  
  
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,  
  
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.  
  
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say I've changed.  
  
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day."  
  
She had it in her head all the way home. So much for self-preservation.  
  



	6. another picture speaks

A week later…  
  
You can't turn off love just like that. Telling Mark ended the games, the deceptions, the anxiety. But then it didn't. Not like she expected. The games were different now. She could look him in the eye honestly, but she didn't want to because she knew what she'd find there – pity. The anxiety was a different kind of anxiety. The worst part of love is that it's all about the OTHER person. She told him the truth for HER sake. NOT his. And the guilt was ridiculous. He deserved the truth. But maybe she'd done the selfish thing. Surely she could just give him what he needed, what he wanted: her friendship. Was that so much to ask? Somehow she was just the friend he needed when he was married. But as soon as he was single she was confronted with the fact that she had no excuses to hide anymore. And just friends was too much to ask. She'd tried. For weeks. But maybe, now that he knew the truth, just friends would work. It was better than this – this seeing him every other day, working with him in the amazing way that only certain people work together and then pretending their connection was only professional excellence. Well, this was too complicated to decide alone. But was it fair to tell Mark her confusion? Aargh! She was so sick of thinking. She flicked on her light and rifled around in her bedside table. Pen. Paper… oh, that'll do. She grabbed a rough piece of card jammed down one side of the drawer.  
  
"Mark. I miss your friendship. You have always done what was best for me. I never deserved it, though you'd disagree, but some things are true regardless. Last week I didn't do what was best for you. And not for the first time. I had no right to drop that on you. I wanted you to know the truth but I knew the truth was a huge risk and not just to myself. I want to apologize if I've hurt you, yet again. But I can't apologize for loving you. You can see my dilemma.   
  
You want things to be the way they were. Before I left. But so much has happened. I haven't told you about it because you have been a bigger factor in the last five years of my life than I was willing to admit. Maybe I shouldn't tell you now but it's your choice if you read this. Consider yourself warned.   
  
When I first got to Phoenix I poured myself into work. I didn't want to think about you, or Chicago or anything else that reminded me of you. I missed you but I was angry with you for waiting until I was leaving to speak. And, even more so, I was angry with myself for being angry with you when I was equally guilty. You can see why I didn't want to think about it. Anyway, I was a workaholic. Successful but alone. Suzie was my life. The only highlight. Then I met Dan. He was funny and spontaneous and swept me off my feet. We had a lot of fun. But that was it. I was a fool for hurting him, but when it came to the point and he told me he loved me, I couldn't say it back. We never talked about our pasts – it was kind of a mutual agreement. He didn't know about you. But that night he guessed most of it. And he left. I was sad to lose a friend of course but I was practically numb to the whole thing. I didn't give up – there were two others like him and they deserved better. Then I figured it out. I came back for closure. But then this part of me that died when I left was suddenly alive and kicking. It was like I'd been drinking beer for four years and someone finally poured me a martini with extra lime. Even if I only got to be near you I couldn't walk away again.   
  
So there you have it. The entirity. Gore and all. Finito. That's the whole story. I couldn't tell you last week – sometimes my mind just won't click over. But if you needed the whole story, now you have it. And if you didn't you should have stopped reading when I warned you.  
  
I can be your friend if you still want it. But know the truth. The truth won't change. It never did. But I'm willing to try for friendship. It's worth it – my memory serves. It's you're call.  
  
Yours, Susan."  
  
She squeezed her name in the corner at the bottom of the card and turned it over, knowing if she read it again she'd never give it to him. Maybe that was for the best but the other side of the card caught her attention. It was a photo. The same one he'd given her that day just a few weeks ago. He'd made copies of them and enlarged them – one of which he'd given her framed. The frame had broken in transit en route to Arizona. But she'd kept the photo. Naturally.  
  
Her eyes drooped and the dull light of her bedside lamp stretched and skewed in her eyelashes. She could decide what to do with her photo in the morning.  
  



	7. i will try

Mark got to the end of her note and realized he'd been holding his breath. Thankfully she wasn't working today. He'd have a day to mull over that before he saw her. Her honesty was terrifying. He could still barely believe that she loved him. But rationality demanded its truth. A martini with extra lime – of course, her drink, her favourite drink. He smiled at the memory. He started reading at the start again. Had he always done what was best for her? He doubted it. But then he thought about it, challenging his every memory. Before she'd left she had been pretty near his highest priority. What about the day she left? Telling her he loved her as she boarded that train? That was for him. It hadn't been best for her.   
  
Befriending her now… that was what he wanted, maybe even needed. But was it best for her? He could give her what she wanted – he could love her. But he knew that he was in no place to do that and it wasn't really best for her in the long run. He could give her his friendship. But if that would cause her ANY pain than it was selfish. And he undoubtedly _would_ cause her pain.  
  
He might end up regretting this decision either way.  
  
"Hey." Her friendly voice broke the silence  
  
He spun around in shock.  
  
"Oh. You got my note." Awkward.  
  
"Yeah. Just now."  
  
"Okay, well I'll leave you to it." She turned.  
  
"Wait, you're not working today. Why'd you come in?"  
  
"Um, you're right I'm not working. But it's not important."  
  
He stood confused. "You came all the way to work on your day off and it's not important?"  
  
She sighed, "No. Obviously." She looked around the room for inspiration or an easy way out. "Ah, well... As it happens, Kerry thought you were upset about something and assumed we were… well, she said 'I know how close you are and I thought if it were serious he might tell you and then he'd stop moping and we could all get on with our jobs.'"  
  
"Word for word eh?"  
  
"I don't get that phone call every day. And after that," she pointed to the card, "I figured I'd offered my friendship and I couldn't let you down again. So I was just praying all the way here that your moping had nothing to do with me."  
  
He smiled. "You kept this photo?"  
  
"I thought I'd lost it, but I found it a few nights ago… after I wrote the message on the back. Unpacking sucks."  
  
"You've been back for months."  
  
She nodded a little embarrassed.  
  
He laughed.  
  
"So are you okay?" She tried to get back to business.  
  
"Um, I'm… I have no idea…" he admitted his confusion. "I was trying to figure out what to do with this when you came in and you can imagine it didn't get any easier."  
  
"So you read the whole thing."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, no hurry. I'm here if or when you need me."  
  
"Okay." He said, meeting her eyes.  
  
She wanted to smile but she was so scared of his answer… either way. She turned and left.  
  
"Wait!" Mark threw the door open and hoped with all that he had that she was there.  
  
She stopped walking, a million possibilities going through her head as to why he was chasing her. Okay, truthfully, there were two possibilities – he loved her, or he still didn't but he wanted the friendship she'd offered.  
  
He walked over face her. "Can we try? Friends I mean. I'm sick of thinking about it, about you. Why do you think I've been moping around for a week? Can we… have dinner?"  
  
Susan nodded. 


	8. confessions

"I'm so hungry." Mark sat down opposite her.  
  
"Me too. But then I missed lunch." She'd just finished work.  
  
"I had lunch. I just had an active afternoon. I had Ella today."  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"She's good. Great in fact. She was so adorable this afternoon. I was on the couch doing some reading and she was watching some video Elizabeth put in her bag." He laughed at the memory. "She was singing her little lungs out along with… well, I think it was a sponge and some sort of jellyfish. She can hardly speak but she was sitting there bobbing up and down and singing her heart out. I had to try so hard not to crack up laughing, and then," he was laughing, "she lost her balance from bobbing and fell over… I laughed so hard my stomach hurt."  
  
Susan was smiling, almost laughing.  
  
"I guess you had to be there." He covered himself.  
  
"No… no…" she shook her head.  
  
"Are you ready to order?" A waiter interrupted.  
  
They gave their orders and sunk into a slightly nervous silence.  
  
"So, how was work?" Mark tried.  
  
"You asked me that already." Susan smiled.  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"Don't apologize. Plus, I like hearing about Ella. Something about kids is so… um, hopeful? I don't know if that's the right word."  
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean." He nodded. "They have so much life to live, so many opportunities and unknowns…"  
  
"I guess we're more wary of opportunities and unknowns as adults."  
  
He nodded. "Once burned, twice shy."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, you know what I haven't asked you about… well, not recently?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, actually, oh, I dunno… you might not want to talk about it."  
  
"What, Suzie?"  
  
"I was going to say Phoenix, but I guess that she's a significant part of the story."  
  
"Oh, right. Phoenix." She considered what to say. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"I dunno. You were there for five years. Most of which I don't know."  
  
"Okay… well. Um… work? The job was…" gosh this was boring, he didn't want to know this… "actually work was pretty much the same as it is here. I think I mentioned most of this on the back of the photo but I wrote it when I was half-asleep and I honestly can't really remember what I wrote."  
  
He smiled, asking her to keep talking.  
  
"Well, I saw Suzie lots at first. She needed me, but I think it was partly to convince myself I'd done the right thing in leaving." She paused, thinking how much she wanted to say. No holding back now. "That's why I never called you. I wanted to come back too much and my pride wouldn't let me. Anyway, I got to see things get better then worse then better then worse – you know what Chloe was like. Then things got really bad and Joe brought Suzie over and left her with me for a month. It was like when Suzie was born all over again – only I was slightly better prepared. Anyway, when they came back Chloe was clean. She'd been in rehab and she promised she was clean for real and good. I didn't believe her at first but I had to give Suzie back. It was pretty… you know… it was pretty hard but then I saw that Chloe really had got her act together. Took me a while. I guess I'm pretty stubborn when I want to be."  
  
Mark smiled. "So where are they now?"  
  
"Still in Phoenix. There was talk of moving but I haven't heard anything about it for a while. For ages I was only living for Suzie. When things got better I'd been there for eighteen months and I hadn't put any roots down – I'd managed to stay aloof with everyone at work and everything. So then I started making an effort, only they'd all given up on me. Then I got an offer to work here and I turned it down."  
  
"When was this?"  
  
"A couple of years ago."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah. But I couldn't come back. Or maybe I would have, I dunno. That's when I met Dan. He was my salvation."  
  
Mark raised his eyebrows.  
  
"At least I thought so. But anyway, you know that story." She felt like she was talking too much.  
  
"It's okay, I like listening to you talk."  
  
The waiter brought their meals and they ate in a slightly more comfortable silence than before. But the ice wasn't all gone yet.  
  
"What about you? What did you get up to in the last five years?"  
  
"The divorce papers and baby don't give it away?"  
  
She cocked her head to the side unimpressed.  
  
"Um, oh, you know. Work. I kind of did the same as you. Threw myself into my work. Finally figured I wasn't about to beat Kerry at anything, met Elizabeth and she kept me busy for the last year or so."  
  
"Oh come on, there's more to it than that."  
  
He looked at her as if to say, 'you really want to know?'  
  
She nodded.  
  
"That first year was the worst. Everything seemed to fall to pieces at once, you know?" he played with his fork, drawing lines in the sauce left on his plate. "There was this patient… well, long story short I got attacked by this guy who wasn't too happy at my treatment of his mate."  
  
Susan looked confused, "What do you mean attacked?"  
  
"You know, fists, bathroom walls, all that."  
  
"Oh my gosh."  
  
"I'm okay." He shook his head not wanting her concern. "But it shook me up for a while and then Jenn moved away and took Rachel with her."  
  
The look on Susan's face showed that she knew how that had broken his heart.  
  
"I see her occasionally, but it's not the same. It's like she's someone else's daughter. I wish I could do something different but Jenn won't let me. And on top of everything else that year I couldn't fight it."  
  
Susan swallowed. There was nothing to say.  
  
"Anyway, as you know Doug moved away as well. Then Carol."  
  
"Yeah, quite a few people left."  
  
"You started a trend." He said but it didn't come out as lightly as he meant it. The silence that ensued was painful. But the next bit in his story wasn't so comfy either. "There's one bit I didn't tell you." She waited for him to continue, dreading a description of meeting Elizabeth, or marrying her, or something. She wasn't expecting what she got instead, "Last year I was diagnosed with cancer."  
  
Susan's mouth dropped open. "No…" she shook her head.  
  
"It's okay." He reassured her, "I'm fine now. At least I'm in remission."  
  
She allowed herself a breath. "What happened? What… what type of cancer?"  
  
"I had a brain tumor." He explained simply. "But they got rid of it and my last check-up was completely clear."  
  
"I should have called you."  
  
He shook his head. "Phones go both ways. It's not your fault we lost touch. I gave up when you got on that train. I hated you for it, but the worst bit was that I couldn't hate you at all."  
  
She smiled wryly – the irony of love eh?  
  
"Should we walk?" he asked her. She nodded and he motioned the waiter for their bill.  
  



	9. maybe not

"No, I'm working this weekend. Elizabeth's taking Ella to the beach for a holiday. It's good for some eh?"  
  
"A holiday would be great." Susan smiled.  
  
"Yeah, but I used most of my annual leave when I was sick so I'm waiting till next year."  
  
"Oh, man…" she met his eyes with sympathy  
  
"Na, I'll be right. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?"  
  
She wasn't appreciating his jokes about his own death.  
  
"So, where would you go on holiday?" He asked.  
  
"Somewhere warm." She pulled her coat around her.  
  
The gentleman in Mark kicked into action, pulling off his jacket, "Here you go." He went to put it on her shoulders.  
  
She winced at his touch. He saw it and pulled his hands away, leaving the jacket hanging loosely over her. "Sorry." He whispered.  
  
"No, it's not you." She forced a smile. "I should go home, I'm tired. But I'll see you round." She went to the curb looking for a taxi but none were coming.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't do this." Mark joined her. "I don't want to hurt you."  
  
Susan didn't reply. He was right, this was killing her.  
  
"You said that I'd always done what was best for you and I don't think that's quite true but I want it to be. I mean, we know we work great as friends and maybe we both need that but I can't bear to hurt you."  
  
A taxi stopped and Susan turned to him. She looked so sad. "It's up to you. And don't worry about me. I'll be fine."  
  
He watched her get into the cab and drive away.  
  
He wanted to fast-forward time until he was ready for a relationship. No, he really wanted to rewind and follow her to Phoenix. Or tell her he loved her long before she left and make sure she never left. Or maybe, if he'd never confessed all at Union station she'd have been able to move on with her life like she wanted. He might be missing out on her completely in this scenario, but at least she wouldn't be hurting.

* * *

  
  
Susan let her eyes wander over the notice board as she walked into the ER. The usual stuff – silly photos, ridiculously long memoranda, a couple of ads. One of them caught her eye. An exchange program. Germany, Switzerland, France, Norway, Italy, Spain… she could escape. County was familiar and somewhat comfortable. Seeing Mark was addictive but not exactly helping things. Maybe she could just pack up and leave. She'd done that before but now she knew she had nothing to come back for. If she left this time it was for good. She pulled one of the phone numbers off the bottom and stuck it in her pocket.  
  
"Lewis, I need you in exam one." Kerry called.  
  
"Yeah, I'll be right there." Susan disappeared into the lounge.

* * *

  
  
He ran, "Susan! Wait!"  
  
"You came to say goodbye?"  
  
"No. Stay. I want you to stay." He knew he was dreaming but he couldn't help wishing the dream ending might be better than the reality. It faded just before she kissed him. He lay back; eyes wide open, desperately wanting her. He sighed. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why couldn't he do what any man in his right mind would have done when she stood in his kitchen and told him she'd always loved him? He should have kissed her and never let her leave. But no… he had to be rational about it. Rational about love… smart one Mark. He sat up frustrated and flicked on the light. He pulled a tracksuit over his shorts, planning to run until he stopped thinking about her.  
  
The cold air filled his lungs and they ached. This was better. He didn't need her so much when he was warm and active and moving. Unfortunately, while he ran his mind cleared and rather than thinking less about her, those thoughts were just less fuzzy. And when he stopped running, knowing exactly what he had to do, he realized he was only two blocks from her apartment.  
  
He knocked on the door, still puffing from taking the stairs two at a time. Why was it suddenly so difficult to breath? Susan opened the door and it was fairly clear he was the last person she'd expected to find. In fact she'd been expecting that the knock had been entirely in her imagination.  
  
"Mark?"  
  
"Yeah." He puffed  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked and then yawned, desperately trying to cover it. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm fine. I was running and…"  
  
"It's two o'clock in the morning."  
  
"Oh. Sorry. I'll see you at work." He turned and walked down the stairs. It shouldn't be like that. There was enough confusion and misunderstanding between them. How could he get through this and not make it worse.  
  
"That was weird." Susan shut the door. Part of her desperately wanted to run after him and make sure he was all right. But she ignored that part of her in favour of the part that knew he hadn't come with any grand declaration. He'd probably come to talk about the confusing mess that had become of their relationship. She didn't need that tonight. 


	10. Things Change

"Are you planning on returning to Chicago afterward?" Kerry asked Susan who sat opposite her in her office.  
  
"Ah, no. I hadn't really thought about what I'm doing after a year in Italy. But I'll jump that hurdle when I get to it."  
  
"Okay. Well if you ever want to come back you'll always have a job here." Kerry smiled.  
  
"Thanks." Susan nodded, appreciating the compliment but knowing she'd never come back.  
  
Someone knocked at the office door.  
  
"Come in." Kerry called, standing.  
  
Susan stood and shook her hand.  
  
"Well, it's been pleasure Susan. And keep us in mind if you ever return to America."  
  
Susan nodded and turned to leave only to find herself face-to-face with a stunned Mark.  
  
"You're leaving?"  
  
She could only nod. "Thanks Kerry." She fled.  
  
Mark sat down after the door closed. "What happened?"  
  
"She's doing an exchange to Italy. I wish I were that adventurous."   
  
Kerry clearly had no idea what was going on between them. But then again, neither did they.  
  
"So, what did you want to see me about?" Mark couldn't think about Susan now. He'd figure out what he had to do to make her stay later.

* * *

A couple of days later…  
  
"Is Susan here?" Mark demanded of anyone in earshot.  
  
"Not yet. Check the schedule." Jerry replied mindlessly.  
  
"Oh." He didn't really hide the disappointment in his voice but no one seemed to notice.

* * *

Susan opened her locker to get ready for work. One week to go. If she could just survive that without facing-off with Mark she might be able to leave with an ounce of peace of mind left.  
  
A card fell out of her locker. She picked it up. Bad start. It was another photo of her and Mark. She turned it over.  
  
"Don't leave. I love you. And I'm running out of photos.  
  
PS. I'm a fool. You can do better but I need you. Please"  
  
She slammed the door of her locker and swept out of the lounge.  
  
"Susan, what are you doing? I need you in here." Kerry barked.  
  
"Yeah, hold on." She pushed through the people. "Where's Mark?" she demanded of admin.  
  
"Curtain three." Jerry replied mindlessly.  
  
Susan turned to go there but was stopped by Mark standing stock-still just a few meters away. She froze.  
  
His eyes pleaded with her, "Stay."  
  
She nodded slightly and rushed to him, kissing him softly but desperately like she'd been waiting to do it for five years and she didn't want to miss anything.  
  
"What's going on?" Kerry asked when she saw them.  
  
"I have no idea." Jerry looked dumbfounded.   
  
"Yeah, this one's before your time Jer." Chuni pretended to be disinterested.  
  
Mark pulled her roughly into his embrace as their lips parted.  
  
"Don't scare me like that."  
  
"Sorry." She wanted to disappear into him but suddenly became aware of the crowd around them. She pulled back and looked him in the eye nervously as if to say 'woops.'  
  
He grinned at her.  
  
"Whenever you're finished." Kerry didn't hold back.  
  
"Ah, right. I'm coming." Susan didn't look at her.  
  
"We better get back to work."  
  
Susan nodded and turned away. 


	11. bottled morning breath meets coffee and ...

Warning: long chapter. but only a couple to go so enjoy while you can. and review if you're feeling generous. please. [i feel very pathetic. iv never begged for reviews before sad face]  
  
"Hey." He smiled, finding Susan in the lounge, half-sitting on the bench by the coffee percolator, "You on a break?"  
  
She nodded, smiling shyly. He crossed the room.  
  
"You finished?" she asked, ignoring his closeness, or trying to.  
  
"Yup. But I don't really want to go home." He touched her face, begging her to look at him. "You're stunning."  
  
She smiled but turned serious. "Are you sure about this? I mean I've been walking on air for the past few hours, but…"  
  
"I'm sure. I've wanted this as long as I can remember. We just have bad timing. And then I decided that I wasn't going to lose you again. At least not without a fight."  
  
She shook her head. "I don't deserve that."  
  
"Of all people," he disagreed, "you do… You… you're amazing." He breathed, kissing her softly.  
  
"I love you." She whispered, reaching up into him.  
  
"There's a trauma coming in." Someone threw the door open.  
  
They pulled back reluctantly, "You better get out of here while you still can." She smiled.  
  
"When do you finish?"  
  
"Nine."  
  
"Do you want to come over?"  
  
She looked at him for a moment then nodded. "Yeah." She whispered, smiling.  
  
"Okay." He kissed her one last time and fled.  
  
She knocked nervously excited. She half-wished she'd taken the time to go home and change but the mirror in the ladies room had told her the jeans and shirt looked fine… only she didn't feel like she looked fine. It had been a long shift.  
  
"Hey." Mark smiled, opening the door for her to come in.  
  
"Hi." She stepped past him, remembering very clearly the last time she'd been here.  
  
"You want something to drink?"  
  
"Sure." She followed him into the kitchen.  
  
"I wasn't sure if you'd want dinner but it's there if you do."  
  
"That'd be great. I'm famished."  
  
Mark nodded and put the loaded plate in the microwave before returning to their drinks.  
  
"A martini with lime?" she smiled, taking the offered glass.  
  
"I have an excellent memory."  
  
"And I know better so I remind you." She sipped her drink.  
  
"Yeah." He loved how well she knew him.  
  
The microwave beeped signaling it had finished cooking. Mark put the plate on the table, "take a seat," he said, getting some cutlery.  
  
"Thanks," she sat down, "You ate already?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."   
  
Susan ate quickly in uncomfortable silence.  
  
"Be right back." Mark disappeared. 'Relax.' He told himself, 'This isn't some terrifying judgmental stranger, this is Susan. Damn it! Relax…' he took a deep breath and stuck a CD in the stereo, tidying the lounge a bit as he walked through it.  
  
"Thanks for dinner." Susan stood in the doorway.  
  
"Are you going?" he looked confused.  
  
"No. I was just thanking you for dinner." She smiled  
  
"Oh. You want to sit down?" he gestured to the sofa.  
  
She crossed the room and stood in front of him, not making for the sofa at all.  
  
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so nervous." Mark breathed rubbing his forehead with one hand. She smiled slightly and took his hand, pulling him down on the sofa beside her. "Maybe its because I never really thought I'd be here."  
  
"Neither." She leaned on the armrest, one leg tucked under her. "I hate to ask again, but are you sure?" she met his eyes with trepidation.  
  
"I'm terrified. But the fact that I can tell you that…" he sighed. "I have a pretty high failure rate."  
  
"Mark…"  
  
He leaned toward her, taking her hands, and her breath away. He affected her more than she was prepared for. "You're right. We can't go back. But you have always been that one person I really connected with. You know me, warts and all, and you're still here. How does that saying go? If you love somebody let them go, if they don't come back they were never yours…" she cut him off with a kiss he couldn't talk through.  
  
He ran one hand around her back keeping the other on her neck, not wanting to let go.  
  
Her heart was beating so fast. She felt like she'd manipulated and pushed him into this. But all evidence the contrary. Still… "Mark, wait." She pulled back but didn't let go of him. "I'm sorry for leaving – or planning to. I keep promising my friendship and then pushing you away, or running away. I don't want to do that anymore. I've been such an idiot." He was shaking his head but she was on a roll. "If you need time, I can give you time. There's no hurry."  
  
He shook his head definitively. "I want this." He smiled, "I want you." He cocked his head to one side. "It's always been you."  
  
She grinned. "You're incredible."  
  
He shook his head again then took a deep breath, "but you're right about one thing. There's no hurry. I don't think we should… tonight."  
  
She nodded in agreement. "Yeah. So what should we do?"  
  
"Um… I might have a video."  
  
"Sponge bob square pants?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Susan laughed, "It's on top of the tv."  
  
"Oh, ah…" he got up, "I think that's Ella's"  
  
"Probably." She laughed. "So, what have you got?"  
  
"Braveheart?"  
  
"I love that movie."  
  
"Really, I thought it was a guy thing."  
  
"Are you kidding me? Mel Gibson – maybe some guys…"  
  
"Braveheart it is." He pushed in the tape and returned to the couch, sitting beside her almost relaxed.  
  
Mark blinked back tears as the final triumphant scene rolled across the screen. He looked over at Susan. She was curled up sleeping right beside him.  
  
He smiled and pushed her hair off her face, got up and turned off the television and got her a blanket.  
  
As he moved her so that she was lying along the sofa she woke up.  
  
"Is it finished?"  
  
"Yeah. Go back to sleep."  
  
She nodded without question and shut her eyes. He watched her for a moment. This was the second chance he'd never thought he'd get. He kissed her forehead, "goodnight."  
  
Susan woke up to the sound of a running shower. She remembered where she was but she was way to comfortable to get up. It was a comfy sofa, but the knowledge that Mark was in the next room, and seeing the grey and cold-looking day out the windows of his lounge, made staying right where she was so much more appealing. Not only would getting up involve energy but right where she was she could anticipate Mark coming any minute. She let her eyes shut and sunk back into the cushions.  
  
She was aware of his coming into the room. He walked over to the sofa, assumed by the closed eyes she was asleep and was about to head for the kitchen when she sleepily croaked, "Good morning."  
  
His head appeared over her, from behind the couch. She grinned mischievously.  
  
"Did you sleep okay?"  
  
She nodded. "You?"  
  
"Yeah. I was just going to make us some breakfast. What would you like?"  
  
She pushed herself up to a sitting position and shrugged, "I'm not fussed. As long as there's coffee I'm happy."  
  
"Easy to please." He disappeared into the kitchen and returned with two mugs and bad news. "Okay, small problem. Empty cupboards." He sat down on the sofa, lifting her feet and replacing them on his lap. She sunk into the pillows. She could spend all day like this.  
  
She shrugged, "I'm all delightfully sleepy and cozy and I don't want to go anywhere."  
  
He smiled at her and forgot himself, letting his eyes linger over her face.  
  
"What?" she asked of his stare.  
  
"Oh, nothing." He grinned, "You're just… I dunno… beautiful." He mumbled lamely.  
  
"Yeah. It's the bed hair and the bags under my eyes and the morning breath meets coffee and yesterdays clothes scent."  
  
"They should bottle it. Make a fortune." He said seriously.  
  
She cracked up laughing and pulled her feet off his lap and folded them underneath her, leaning over to take his hand and kiss it playfully.  
  
When she went to drop his hand he then grabbed hers and kissed it, a cheeky grin gracing his lips and his eyes sparkling into hers.  
  
She adored him. She smile left her face but danced in her eyes, amazed at him.  
  
"What?" it was his turn to question her stare.  
  
She smiled, "I dunno. I just…" she laughed, still sleepy and not making a whole lot of sense to herself or anyone. "I like you in the morning." She leaned back on the couch and put her head into one arm to cover her face.  
  
He leaned back so they were face to face and took the hand of that arm, playing with the fingers and slowly plying it away so she'd look at him. "I never thought I'd get another chance with you."  
  
"We never got a first chance." She smiled sadly and swallowed.  
  
He took a deep breath, still holding her fingers lightly, their arms hanging over the back of the couch. "I'm so excited about this. I feel like a kid two days before Christmas."  
  
She grinned at his comparison. "I still don't believe it," she admitted. "This is all some dream and I don't want to wake up."  
  
He edged forward and kissed her lightly. "Feels real to me."  
  
She opened her eyes and nodded, leaning in for more.  
  
He took her other hand, planting light inviting kisses all over her face.  
  
Eventually she couldn't bear it anymore and pulled her hands free from his, taking his face in her hands and kissing him soundly, laughing at the same time, beating him at his own game.   
  
He brought his hands to her waist and wouldn't let go of that kiss. She'd meant a fun, quick, victory kiss. But it lingered. They'd waited so long for this but the intensity shocked them nonetheless.  
  
She ran her hands down his body and around to his back, pulling herself closer.  
  
"Mark… we… should stop." She said between kisses, finally pulling away.  
  
"Yeah." He tried to catch his breath. "How about breakfast?"  
  
She smiled, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach – not just a myth eh?"  
  
"No, it's true. But you may as well leave my heart out of the equation."  
  
"Really? Why's that?" she forced herself to get up, straightening the clothes she'd slept in.  
  
"It's yours already." He stood up way-too-close and kissed her again. Leaving was getting less and less appealing. This time he pulled back. "Sorry."  
  
She laughed at his schoolboy apology. "Yeah, I really have issues with this. In fact you are way out of line I will be forced to use extreme measures if you don't kiss me again in the next five…" she was cut off, wrapped in his arms as her quick mouth was put to better use.  
  
They pulled away at the same time. Susan straightened her shirt, "right, good thing you got that out of your system because public displays of affection are very teenage."  
  
"Yeah, alright. Cause I really dread your punishment." He tried to sound dirty but she laughed in his face, shaking her head.  
  
She sat back down to put her shoes on. "So where are we going for breakfast?"  
  
"Depends, you like bagels?"  
  
"Sounds good to me. As long as we pass somewhere that sells gum on the way."  
  
"I'm sure that can be arranged." He yelled back from his room and soon reappeared ready to leave. "My lady." He held out his arm.  
  
"Good sir." She almost mastered the British accent, taking his arm and laughing at him trying to walk like a cartoon gentleman cab-driver, nose in the air, arm behind his back… only he was wearing jeans and a Bob Dylan shirt that didn't have quite the same effect as the penguin suit and tails she doubted he even owned.  
  
She wrapped her fingers in his and followed him out into the morning. 


	12. here and now

Full of warm food and hot coffee, Susan smiled across the table, hardly believing this was happening.  
  
"Do I have food on my face?" Mark put his coffee back on the saucer.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"Oh, good. Feel free to stare."  
  
She covered her eyes with one hand but peaked through her fingers.  
  
"Come on, lets walk." He stood up and took her hand. "What time are you working?"  
  
"Two. You?"  
  
"Seven. But you've only got a couple of hours."  
  
"I have an idea." She went to flag a taxi.  
  
"Nothing illegal." He raised his eyebrows but she just laughed at him.  
  
"Where's your sense of adventure?"  
  
"In a shoebox in my wardrobe." He got into the taxi after her.  
  
"To the airport." She told the cab driver  
  
"What?" Mark looked confused.  
  
"I hate flying Mark, just relax."  
  
"I'm confused."  
  
"That's the idea." She cocked her head to one side with a cheeky smile.  
  
He shook his head trying to look unimpressed.  
  
She paid the driver and dragged Mark toward the terminal.  
  
"Oh, I get it. You're going to cancel your flight to Italy."  
  
"Good idea. But no, that's not it." She pointed to a photo booth, "This is it."  
  
He laughed, "Good surprise."  
  
"I think you said you were running out."  
  
He nodded and watched her thumb some coins into the machine before ducking into the booth.  
  
She kissed his shoulder as she sat beside him. Just at the same moment the first photo flashed. She laughed, "woops."  
  
He looked at her grinning as it flashed again.  
  
They both turned to face the camera for a proper one.  
  
Susan was still laughing and Mark turned to watch her admiringly as the last flash came.  
  
The option on the screen came up – four more or two prints. He pressed the two prints option and pulled the pictures out when they came. They looked at them with ridiculous grins.  
  
"That's better." Susan whispered pleased.  
  
"Oh, they were good pictures last time."  
  
"Yeah, but for five years those pictures were 'what could have been'." She replied honestly.  
  
"I should have got on the next train." He held her eyes.  
  
She shook her head, "No going back. I'm sick of 'what if's'. Now is good."  
  
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." He mumbled as he kissed her. 


	13. The Enchanting Evil Stepmother

"You got it?" Susan yelled across the ER.  
  
"Yup." Mark joined the throng of people guiding a gurney and assessed the patient with his eyes as the trauma nurse filed off his vitals.  
  
Susan did much the same at another gurney. She had that feeling about this patient. She hated that feeling. When someone got wheeled in the doors and you just knew that they weren't leaving again. This guy was a mess. She fell into the rush, the pattern of treating a MVA victim. But it was no use. Twenty minutes later she pulled offer her gloves and replaced her smock, backing through the doors to help the next patient. No one got a moment to stop today.  
  
Susan rolled her neck from one side to the other, eyes shut, enjoying the momentary stillness. The trauma was over. And so was the next one. A trickle of minor injuries came in, to be pawned off on students and presented to residents. She followed Gallant through severe asthma, lacerations to the feet, smoke-inhalation, a sprained ankle, a minor concussion and then escaped to the lounge. It was finally over.  
  
Elizabeth was fiddling with the coffee pot.  
  
"Hi." Susan offered somewhat shyly.  
  
"Does this thing work?" Elizabeth didn't look up.  
  
"Sure." Susan crossed the room and loosened the lid before banging it down with a fist. "It's all in the wrist." She grinned at the tell-tale red light that promised coffee in the near future.  
  
"Thanks." Elizabeth got a mug out of the cupboard. "You want some?"  
  
"No. And you might want to try it before you thank me." This was odd. Elizabeth was easier to handle when she wasn't married to Mark. Okay, that wasn't odd, but this friendliness between them was.  
  
"Long shift?"  
  
"Oh, just the usual." Susan opened her locker, keeping busy while she spoke, "It goes pretty fast when it's busy. You?"  
  
"Oh, I just started. It's the paperwork that makes my day long. But I'm on the ER so it should be interesting."  
  
"That's one word for it." Susan was ready to leave but didn't want to sabotage this. It was going better than expected. And it would certainly be an advantage to be on good terms with Elizabeth. "So, how's Ella."  
  
Elizabeth nodded, "She's good. Almost crawling. She's getting dangerous."  
  
Susan smiled. "Yeah, she was pulling herself up on the coffee table at…" so much for NOT sabotaging this. Susan looked awkward.  
  
"It's okay, I know about you and Mark." Elizabeth surprised herself – she could have really made Susan suffer. But unfortunately she really liked her. If it wasn't for the whole suspicious history with Mark she would never have disliked her. But now that the Mark thing was pretty much out of the way…  
  
"It's good to see she's fully recovered." Susan wanted to keep the focus on Ella. Safe territory. Sort of.  
  
"Yes, well we can't be a hundred percent sure until she's older but as far as we know she's fine. Thank God."  
  
"Yeah. Well, I should fly, but it was nice to…" what? Chat?   
  
"Yeah. Have a nice evening." Elizabeth poured her coffee with an ironic smile. That could have been worse, she thought to herself.  
  
"You too." Susan pushed on the lounge door as someone else pushed to toward her. She stepped back as Mark came in.  
  
"Oh, hi." He grinned. Then he saw Elizabeth. "Oh, Hi."  
  
Elizabeth smiled. "This is awful." She held up her coffee mug to them to try and quell the awkwardness of the situation.  
  
Mark wasn't sure where to go, what to do. "Doesn't change I'm afraid." He offered. "You done?" He asked Susan, trying to act normal.  
  
She nodded.  
  
"I'll be ready in just a sec." He headed for his locker.  
  
"I'll meet you out front." Susan escaped.  
  
"She's nice." Elizabeth turned to him, challenging the peacekeeper she knew so well.  
  
"Ah, yeah."  
  
Elizabeth laughed, "It's okay Mark. If Ella's going to have an evil stepmother she could do worse. And so could you. Damn, this is awful." She tipped her coffee in the sink and rinsed the mug, washing her mouth out with water.  
  
"Thanks." Mark forced himself to face her. "I just want you to know that we weren't…" ugh…  
  
"I know. She told me you never… not before we…"  
  
"Oh." Mark wasn't expecting that exactly.  
  
"When Ella was sick. She was trying to help."  
  
"Didn't make much difference eh?"  
  
"Yeah, it did. Anyway, what are you still doing here? I'm going to need to be admitted if I drink anymore of that coffee but you're free to go."  
  
Mark laughed. It had been a while since he'd seen this side of Elizabeth. It was good to know she hadn't completely vanished. "See you around." He pushed through the door.  
  
Susan was surprised when she saw him approaching, still grinning like he had been when they'd bumped into each other in the doorway.  
  
"Lets go." He put his arm around her shoulder and whispered, "That went well."  
  
She looked at him confused, falling in stride.  
  
He just grinned.  
  
"What happened?" Her curiosity refused to be ignored.  
  
"Nothing. It just went better than expected. I mean, we're hardly the three musketeers."  
  
"No, but then the lack of capes and French accents and swords give that away. Why are you grinning?"  
  
"I've got you."  
  
Susan stopped. "The real reason?"  
  
"What?" his eyes sparkled. "She just said something funny – well not really funny, more… enchanting. You are enchanting."  
  
Susan wasn't satisfied, "What?"  
  
"You are."  
  
"No, that's not what she said."  
  
"You're right. She said you were nice. Not bad really. But I was grinning because she also said that if Ella had to have an evil stepmother then she could do worse." He laughed, holding her eyes with adoration.  
  
Susan laughed. "That's assuming a lot."  
  
"Well, yes, but the prospect is enchanting. You…" he touched her flushed cheek with tentative fingertips. "You…" his face turned serious, "are enchanting."  
  
Susan shook her head ever so slightly and reached up into his kiss. Then into his embrace.  
  
He only let go when everywhere she wasn't touching was getting cold. "Where do you want to have dinner?"  
  
"I'm tired, lets just get something hot and take it home."  
  
"I have some pasta at home, it'll only take a few minutes. I might even be able to hunt down some matching wine."  
  
"Well I can't turn that down." She kissed him again and wrapped one arm tightly around his waist as they walked toward the el.  
  
I could keep this going but it's just mush - any ideas for a bit of drama. give me a challenge and i might try and write it up. but without your input i don't have a whole lot of ideas left. but don't worry there's at least one more installment.  
  
amy 


	14. chivalry and fifty bucks of history

Long chapter. You're going to love it.

* * *

"Do they win?" The ads came on just before the judges announced the winner of the choir contest.  
  
"Of course." Mark turned to her. He'd seen Sister Act 2 before. Truthfully he couldn't remember the ending. But surely they won.  
  
"Man I'm lazy." Susan was so sunk into the sofa that she couldn't bare to consider moving.  
  
"You're just tired." He kissed her forehead chastely. Anything more than that wasn't wise when she was this close in the dark, iridescent light reflecting off the TV in her familiar face.  
  
"Yeah, but I should go soon and the prospect of moving is… well improbable."  
  
He laughed. "So stay."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"That was easy." He grinned.  
  
"You talk like I should be afraid you're going to jump me."  
  
"Not that it's not tempting."  
  
"Or that I'd put up much of a fight." She grinned up at him.  
  
He shook his head, struggling for control. They'd decided not to rush things. To just enjoy each other they way they always had. But it wasn't getting any easier for practicing.  
  
"And I've slept on your couch before."  
  
"Yeah, so much for chivalry, I should have taken the couch."  
  
"I think I was already asleep. History repeats." She let her head drop onto his shoulder dramatically.  
  
He laughed.   
  
The ads ended and the judges announced Whoopi Goldberg's choir as the winners. Yay. Then the students uncovered her secret identity. Not a nun, or even a lounge singer, but a headliner! The credits rolled over to 'ain't no mountain high enough'. Mark turned it off but kept singing, carefully getting up and carrying her to his bed. "Oh, no darling, no wind, no rain, or winter's cold, can't stop me baby, no baby, cause you are my goal, if you're ever in trouble I'll be there on the double, just send for me baby."  
  
She'd been half asleep but she was laughing at him when he put her down and dropped the covers over her. "Wait, Mark." She stopped him from leaving.  
  
He sat on the edge of his bed and pushed her hair out of her face.  
  
Her eyes were barely open. "I'm too sleepy to seduce you."  
  
"I don't know…" he teased.  
  
"Stay with me." She took his hand.  
  
He thought for a moment and then nodded.  
  
He flitted around the apartment, turning off lights, brushing his teeth, tidying his bathroom so he wouldn't be humiliated when she used it in the morning.  
  
He slid between the covers trying not to wake her. He rolled toward her, wanting to drift off to sleep watching her. He couldn't resist reaching out to touch her face.  
  
She was still dozing and turned her head just enough to kiss the palm of his hand. "I love you." She mumbled sleepily.

* * *

He looked happy when he was sleeping. She couldn't help but smile watching him.  
  
It wasn't quite light yet. She could see the windows through the curtains but she still felt like she had plenty more nighttime. No reason to get any further away from Mark yet.  
  
She shuffled closer, taking his hand where it lay on the sheet between them and kissing it chastely.  
  
"I think I could handle waking up like this everyday." He opened his eyes.  
  
She just looked at him, as if to say, 'it's yours for the taking'.  
  
"Do you have any idea how much I want you right now?" his sleepy voice was very sexy and she could only grin and nod.  
  
He kissed her and almost wiped the grin off her face. Well, give him a moment.  
  
Now he's wiped the grin off her face.  
  
She rolled over, slipping her arms around him, asking him to follow her, which he of course did.  
  
"Mark." She mumbled between kisses.  
  
He pulled back expecting a reminder of their 'slow down' plan.  
  
"Are you sure about this?"  
  
His smile lit up his face. He didn't even nod. His lips met hers with unequivocal force.

* * *

Mark pecked her behind the ear on his way past between patients.  
  
"How old are you?" Kerry whined from the other side of admittance.  
  
"As old as you feel. Is that it?" Susan turned to Frank who was stuffing a donut in his mouth and not really paying attention. Susan smiled at him and walked away.  
  
Curtain two. Back pain. She was carrying three charts under the arm of the hand holding this chart, then pen in her other hand ready to go.  
  
Gallant fired of a list of symptoms. He clearly knew what he was doing so she handed him the chart. "Go for it."  
  
Next.  
  
Abby had started treating her patient already. Susan fell in place beside her, ticking the boxes. It was clearly a case for psych.  
  
"They're on their way." Abby assured her. "What's next?"  
  
Susan smiled. Abby was doing well. "Your choice: vaginal bleeding, foot ulcers or abdominal pain?"  
  
"Ooh, fun. How can I choose? It's like a child in a candy store."  
  
They walked together toward the vaginal bleeding.  
  
"So you and Dr Greene eh?"  
  
Susan laughed, "This is news?"  
  
"No, not really. In fact someone did say that there's an outstanding pool on this one already."  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"You didn't hear it from me. So is it true?"  
  
"Hey I didn't put any money on it. Don't ask me? What were we worth?"  
  
"Carter lost fifty. He sent Doug Ross a cheque."  
  
Susan cracked up laughing as they walked into exam 1.  
  
"So, you going to tell me why there was a pool on you two before you even got here?" Abby asked en route to foot ulcers.  
  
Susan was still laughing (well, she'd stopped to examine vaginal bleeding. She thought it was only polite). "I was a resident here."  
  
"I heard something like that."  
  
"Then why did you ask?"  
  
"I'm digging."  
  
"Keep digging." Susan teased and handed her the chart. "Talk me through it."  
  
"So why did you leave?"  
  
"My sister had a baby."  
  
"What about Mark?"  
  
"He wasn't the father."  
  
"Oh, come on…" Abby stopped walking.  
  
"Abdominal pain can't wait for a gossip session." Susan opened the door and followed a disgruntled Abby inside.  
  
"I'll get it out of you one day?"  
  
"Pillow talk with Carter will probably be just as lucrative." Susan got the reaction she'd hoped for.  
  
"What are we worth?" Abby found a reply. Or stole one. Or something.  
  
Susan laughed. "Not as much as us. Have a nice weekend." Susan pushed through the door into the staff lounge still laughing.  
  
"I'm working this weekend." Abby yelled after her.  
  
"I know. Have fun." Susan turned back then let the door shut on Abby's disappointed amusement.  
  
"Fifty bucks." Susan found Mark in exam three.  
  
"Huh?" he turned from his patient for only a moment. He was only suturing so Susan decided it was fairly safe to distract him.  
  
"That's all we're worth. Six years later and we were only worth fifty bucks."  
  
Mark looked up at his patient. "Do you know what she's talking about?"  
  
Susan laughed. "You know that pool they had going on us before I went to Phoenix? Carter sent Doug a cheque. Fifty bucks – that doesn't even keep up with inflation."  
  
"And Carter could afford it. Though I always wished the proceeds of these pools went to the poor souls they're betting on."  
  
Susan shrugged. "I'll call Carol and make sure she spends it on the girls."  
  
"I'm lost." The patient shook his head.  
  
"But you're also free." Mark had finished the suturing and walked the man out to admittance.  
  
Susan sat on the bed and waited for him.  
  
"Fifty bucks?" he swished through the curtain.  
  
She laughed and reached up to kiss him. "You finished?"  
  
He nodded, "I'll just grab my coat." He held onto her hand as they walked to the lounge.  
  
She sat down in a chair while he got ready to go. "Did today seem really long to you?"  
  
"It was slow I guess."  
  
"Mm," she nodded, "I guess. I wonder what Doug and Carol are up to?"  
  
"Oh, probably living the high life. We should call them."  
  
"They'll probably call us if Carter sent them their winnings." She smirked as he took her hand and pulled her up into his embrace.  
  
"Well I think this is worth more than fifty bucks." He kissed her once, playfully.  
  
"Doug would have upped the stakes if he'd stuck around." She speculated as they exited the lounge.  
  
Abby winked at them from behind admittance.  
  
"We have an audience." Mark mumbled so only Susan could here him.  
  
"Yup. Get used to it. Come on, lets go home." 


End file.
